I recently discussed the subject of “happiness guilt” with my previously mentioned “shrink” (hereby referred to as “A”); it’s a concept I wasn’t really aware of until recently but after a pretty hefty and deep conversation about it, I came to realise it’s something that has really affected me in different forms over the years. Whether it’s from the loss of someone special, an emotional response to years of manipulation or even comparative suffering (I will explain these in more detail later.).
Recently I’ve been struggling with the loss of someone special; ‘A’ and I were discussing how I might look back on this year and as a summary I decided it would be “both the worst and best year of my life.”, a strong sentiment, and I meant it. The year started in the worst way I could have imagined, and it could quite easily have been one of those moments in my life where I just fell off the cliff, metaphorically speaking, but instead I dug deep, worked hard and took some big risks; things that have always led me to great things in the past that I had forgotten / sidelined for some time. I have made such unbelievable progress over the year since; mentally, physically, environmentally, my whole world has changed. If you’d asked me back in January where I would be with 4 months of the year still to go, I would have predicted a completely different scenario. This is where my ongoing battle with happiness guilt strikes. I feel guilty for allowing myself to feel happiness from the great things in my life, when I’m not sharing it with that person. It’s not un-natural to feel different when you’re missing someone, but it’s not just that. “A” asked me to write down a list of negatives & positives based on my current situation; not only did it make me realise that I have a lot from this year to be thankful for, but also that everything is situational and must be analysed as such. Of course this hasn’t been the perfect year for me, but as of now, in my situation, I’m making massive strides in all the right places and recognising that, keeping positive and proactive, I can feel myself growing and developing as the months go-by.
“You’re off to great places, today is your day. Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way.”
Happiness Guilt ; a Description
For those of you who this concept might be new to, here are some examples of happiness guilt and it’s situations. It can be difficult to grasp as you mentally wrestle with being happy and feeling a level of guilt at the same time.
Surviving a Tragedy: Individuals who have survived a disaster, accident, or tragic event may feel guilty for finding moments of joy or happiness when others didn't survive or are still suffering.
Loss of a Loved One: People who have lost a loved one might experience guilt about enjoying life or experiencing happiness in the absence of the deceased person.
Post-Traumatic Stress: Those who have experienced trauma or abuse may feel guilty about feeling happy as they may perceive it as a betrayal of their own pain or the pain of others who suffered similarly.
Collective Suffering: In the context of societal issues like poverty, injustice, or inequality, individuals may feel guilty about their own privileges or advantages, leading them to question whether they deserve to be happy.
Comparative Suffering: Sometimes, people feel guilty about their happiness when they compare their own problems or challenges to those of others and believe that their struggles are insignificant in comparison.
Obviously there are many other ways that happiness guilt can become apparent and everybody is different; we all have our own situation but hopefully these will cover a wide spectrum for people to relate to.
How a career change has both caused and helped with this.
My new career has had a massive impact on my self-awareness; our roots are embedded in positive psychology, personal reflection, development and mastery. I feel like I have a front row seat to the world of personal development and all it has to offer. We put a strong ethos on using nature and the benefits it brings to peoples lives. Have you ever just been for walk in the woods by yourself? Sat on a beach at sunset? Listened to snow falling in the depth of winter? Nature provides us with all of the elements we need to be at peace witht ourselves, our situations and the world around us. I spend a fair bit of time researching and observing positive psychological practices, teaching of personal mastery and the importance of self-reflection for personal growth. All these things have had a huge impact on how I see and react to situations in my life, how I allow situations to impact me and he world around me.
The Japanese have a wonderful word ; Komorebi, it’s description is not only beautiful but also evokes feelings of warmth, long lost memories and brings about a feeling of reflection.
“Look deep into nature and you will understand everything better.”
木漏れ日 (Komorebi) is a Japanese word that refers to the sunlight that filters through the leaves of trees. The word consists of three kanji and the hiragana particle れ (re).
The first kanji means "tree" or "trees," the second kanji refers to "escape," and the third kanji means "light" or "sun.". I love how this word and it’s description make me feel. That sense of light escaping through the canopy, when it warms your face on a walk in the woods, when it highlights the array of colour in the plants and wildlife. How could it not bring a sense of warmth and belonging?
*I took this shot whilst on a trip to Canada and it always brings a smile to my face and a feeling of warmth and joy.
Counteracting Happiness Guilt
I found this wonderful article in The Atlantic by Athur C. Brooks discussing the different phenomenoms around happiness guilt, how it poses itself and ways to overcome it. It’s well worth taking some time out of your day, maybe go on a little walk through the woods or along the beqach, and have a read.
“There is no need to keep your happiness secret, suppress it, or bury it under complaints and outrage. Showing the joy in our hearts and sharing it with others will improve our lives. And if the state of the world has you genuinely down in the dumps, remember that finding and spreading cheer in an imperfect world will make life better for you, and make your efforts at progress that much more effective.”
Here are some steps you can take to help actively overcome happiness guilt;
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize that feeling happiness guilt is a natural response, but also understand that it's okay to experience positive emotions. Your emotions are valid.
Normalize Mixed Emotions: Understand that it's possible to experience a range of emotions simultaneously. Emotions are complex and don't always fit neatly into one category.
Maintain Perspective: Remember that your own happiness doesn't diminish the suffering of others. Feeling guilty doesn't necessarily alleviate their pain, but your empathy and actions might.
Limit Negative Self-Talk: Challenge negative thoughts that perpetuate the guilt. Replace them with more balanced and realistic perspectives.
Contribute in Meaningful Ways: Find ways to help others that align with your strengths and passions. This can make your efforts feel more impactful and authentic.
Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a mental health professional about your feelings. Sharing your emotions with someone you trust can provide validation and understanding.
Recognising and counteracting happiness guilt is a gradual process with no “one size fits all” solution. We all live in different situations and we all react differently. Am I happy? Without a doubt; I have a job I love that allows me to develop & grow and that recognises and nurtures my talents, I have family that supports me in all my decisions, I’m fit and healthy both mentally and physically, I have a small but super tight circle of close friends and things are moving forward in a really good way. Despite these things do I feel a sense of guilt? Right now? Yes, It’s something I deal with on a daily basis and I don’t let it ruin my mood.
“The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood.”
Personally, I find the above steps extremely useful and I hope that if you’re feeling the guilt of happiness too you find some solice in them also; feel free to let me know in the comments if you do too or if you have any other advice for people!
‘Till next time. Ol.