Lost in the fog
Have you ever had that feeling that no-matter what you do, you just can’t see through the fog? This is very much what my life had been like over the last couple of years. No matter what I did, I just couldn’t seem to make any progress; personally or professionally. One thing after another just seemed to knock me back, no matter how hard I tried. It’s very difficult in those situations to not loose sight of hope, which in turn is both demoralising and another “layer of fog” in itself. People will tell you that they understand, and they see what you’re going through, but they don’t. You put on a brave face and keep trying to move forward, even when the winds push you back and you lose sight of where you’re going or even wanted to go. So thats how life went on for me…blown back by the winds and vision clouded by thick fog.
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
It was tough for numerour reasons, mentally, physically, emotionally. Feeeling disconnected and disillusioned with my own body at times. It’s an overwhelming discourse, and you never quite know which emotion is going to take over on each day.
Crying without knowing why
Experiencing mood swings
Withdrawing from loved ones
Feeling uninterested in your hobbies or things that used to make you happy
Being unable to make decisions
Feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks or choices
Getting irritated at others around you
Feeling frustrated at yourself
Not feeling excited about the future
Feeling like you are merely “going through the motions”
The symptoms above are taken from this article by Margarita Tartakovsky, MS, who has some fantastic insights into that “clouded vision” zone, and how to help move through the fog and onto better things. If you, or someone you love, might be suffering with this I’d highly reccommend taking 5 minutes out of your day to read and reflect.
Saying goodbye to one life
I’m not entirely sure when the fog cleared for me. It’s all a bit of a blur. Just one day I remember feeling like I could see more clearly, things were starting to align in my life and the sky started to brighten.
I began relying less on motivation and more on my own inbuilt need to create strong, lasting habits. Shrugging off the pressures I had unneccessarily placed on myself, which in turn made me more productive, more efficient and more at peace with my “timeline”. In 2023 I was diagnosed with depression and started taking Paroxetine, a “selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor”, which is more commonly known as an “anti-depressant”…I’m not a fan of the term, it leads you to believe that it just makes the low feelings disappear…what most people don’t understand is that depression is commonly casued by the brain creating and soaking up too much serotonin…too much or too little serotonin has a massive effect on our moods, emotions and functions. Which is also why you feel confused and distanced as someone with depression, you can’t quite understadn what’s wrong with you…but you just feel something different. So I started on the SSRI’s, but that isn’t everything. You have to completely re-evaluate your life; it takes a lot of work and is slow progress. Your life doesn’t just get better overnight.
“The only impossible journey is the one you never begin.”
Welcoming a new way of living
Like I say, it’s a slow journey. I began taking the SSRI’s in mid 2022, 12 months down the line and I finally feel like I have enough of an understanding to talk about theem. The last 12 months have been tough. Trying to re-learn how to be me, how to reassess my habits, how to decide what I want to do and who I want to be in life. As is often the way in life, things got worse before they got better. I was still stuck in a job I had grown to hate and I lost the only woman I ever truly loved; I cried, I hid away, I hated myself, I grieved. Some say that rock-bottom is the best place to be in these situations…because the only way from there is up…but you have to get up, nobody will do it for you. Now that’s not to say I didn’t have help; my friends and family stood-by and supported me as best they could, but it was up to me to do the work. I began the only way I knew how; I re-aligned my vision, compartmentalised and structured the things I needed to do, and the things I wanted to do. I took big risks, I went out and found myself a dream job that I had no right going for, I focussed on my health, both mentally with my therapist, self reflection, learning about positive psychology and physically getting my ass back into the gym, signing up to a personal coach, eating healthier and nearly all but cutting out alcohol from my diet, slowly but surely…I began to believe in myself again. This new found belief has spurred me on to work harden than I ever have before; progress in ways I never have before and understand myself in ways I never have before. Am I where I want to be? Hell no! I’m at the beginning of the road…and what a great place to be! I have an amazing journey ahead of me, as Ralph Waldo Emerson is famed for saying “It's not the destination, it's the journey”. I’m not going to be the cliché and say I understand what anyone is going through, but hopefully through open, honest, meaningful conversation it will help. I’m no longer afraid to feel the way I feel…I feel more emotionally connected to myself than I ever have, and with this a deeper sense of belonging and purpose; something I’d ben lacking and searching for.
“Walk on with hope in your heart, and you’ll never walk alone.”