“ We have two lives, and the second begins when we realise we only have one.”
[Confucious 551 - 479 BC]
I guess we can’t ever really know when that moment will occur, we can’t plan for it and we certainly can’t force it on ourselves. When it does happen, you just know I guess. It’s a feeling, a new piece of knowledge, a different outlook on things. I’ve never really known what I wanted to do with my life. I’m a dreamer. I’ve always followed my dreams. Until recently I was in a relationship that I thought would last forever. In my case, as is the way with a lot of relationships these days, it turns out it wasn’t. The words “I love you too” rang through my head like the low whine of tinnitus that years of working in workshops and going to loud gigs has given me. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I just existed, but by no means did I feel existential. “Love” is such a disposable concept in this day and age, it’s so freely sought after, so openly spoken about, so easily said and so very easily forgotten. I had felt love, I felt love still.
I struggled through for a couple of months, fighting depressive episodes, staving off the negative thoughts, avoiding really coming to terms with the situation I now found myself in. I spent time reading into relationships and miscommunications. What could I have done? What did I do wrong? Was I not worth fighting for? Was it all a lie? I haven never been quite so low in all my life. I spoke to doctors, therapists, life coaches, relationship specialists, break-up specialists; none of them would give me the answer to the question I was asking. “What do I have to do?”.
I took some time off work; a “search your soul” trip so-to-say. I spent time with family, friends, alone. I wrote (what I thought would be) a life-changing, love-altering, re-awakening letter to my ex and was convinced we would work through the issues we had and everything would be okay. Like I said previously; I’m a dreamer.
The end of my first life, and the beginning of my only life. That moment happened for me and I knew, at that exact moment, my life would never be the same again. It’s amazing how something so negative can cause a positivity at the same time.
It’s on this trip I enrolled on a degree in photography, I signed up to life-coaching, I corrected bad habits, I read, I drank and I learned that life is rarely fair and nearly always uncertain. I wrote down my dreams and vision for my life in years to come. I wrote down the path I needed to take to get there. Vision and theory started to come together and I soon had a clear plan. I heard someone say once “don’t tell people what you do, tell them what you are”. It resonated through me like an earthquake shaking a building. I am not defined by what it says on my LinkedIn profile. I always wanted to help people, to encourage people to do the things they dreamed of and to document the process along the way. Anyone who knows me will attest that I give more time than there are hours in the day to those I love. Wether it be working on their house, going on trips, adventures, cooking meals, looking after pets, whatever it is. If a loved one needs me, I’m there. I had (as all people like me do) given all my time and effort to others, it goes without saying; I was burnt out. I needed to find a way to channel that inner voice telling me to go out and help people. Something I could quantify. Something I could keep track of. Something I could control. I have always loved to travel, always loved to plan and to problem solve. Could I find something that would link everything together?
So I needed to start right? Start on the path I was going to walk…a little rough around the edges, a little our of shape, a little bit broken still, but mending, and that’s what mattered.
Here I am. This is me. I’m going to live a life that I want to live, I’m going to walk the path I want to walk, I am going to leave things in the past that have weighed me down for so very long and look to a lighter (both figuratively and literally) future. Am I still in love? Sure. Am I still hurting? Of course! I’m only human. When I love I go all in. 100% but I owe it to myself to follow the path I want to follow, and let the things that will happen just happen along the way.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.”.
A quote from ‘The Road Not Taken’ by Robert Frost. My favourite poem and favourite quote. Don’t fear the road not taken, it could be the one that makes all the difference. It could be the one to guide you to your second life.
This blog won’t always be about me, it won’t always be informative, it won’t always be beautiful or easy to digest. But hopefully you’ll enjoy the posts and the photos and the stories. Maybe sometimes it’ll put a smile on your face, maybe sometimes it’ll bring a tear to your eye. This is about my second life. The only one I have. And I’m going to love it.
Ol. x